My Diet - Week One

Maybe not everyone in the world knows yet…but they will soon. I started a diet last Sunday. If you take a look at my profile pictures, you might think it’s obvious why I did this. And you might be partially correct, but there’s more to it than that.

I’ve been fat for the last 10 years. My weight has fluctuated wildly over that time span, but I certainly haven’t been what anyone would consider “thin”. After my son was born, I got comfortable being chubby. There was a lot of work to do. And I didn’t have time to worry about myself. Before I knew it, I weighed more than I’d ever weighed in my life, had grey hairs poking out of my head and was over 30 with a kid I was finding it increasingly difficult to keep up with.
I remember saying I’d loose weight and get healthy eventually. “One Day” I’d get thin again and take my kid to Disney World. “Next year” I’d be a little skinnier and could go to the fair and ride the roller-coasters. I made excuses for why I couldn’t go to the beach to play volley ball with my friends and I’ve been surfing alone for years. I used to be a competitive swimmer, yet I haven’t been in a pool in a really long time. I have NEVER gone to a high school reunion.

In fact, I almost didn’t go to the RT Book Lover’s Convention this year. It was my first time to go. I’d been dreaming about going for years. There were a bucketful of reasons I almost talked myself out of going. Only one of them was my weight, but it was a very big reason. Now, if you have read my Mother’s Day post, you know why I actually went. It’s ironic actually, because Mom used to be one of the reasons I hide from my problems. But now, I have to give her credit for helping me face them.

I went to RT, had a BLAST and came home filled with the fires of hope and purpose. I finally wanted to loose weight badly enough to actually go for it. I want to be a true professional in the publishing industry. I have skills that I want to showcase and ideas that I want to share. I want to go back to RT next year with a little experience under my belt to go along with all of that. But…I also WANT the cover to match the story inside.

After all, we must admit that the main thing we look for when we shop for books is the cover art. If it grabs your attention, you pick it up to read the synopsis on the back. Now we might not buy the book if we don’t like the subject of the story, but in the end if we do buy it, we have to credit the cover for the sale. Because we never would have even picked it up if it weren’t for the eye-catching art on the cover.

I’m a fantastic book with a pretty crappy cover right now. I need better cover art. No one can give me that. I have to do it myself. So I started a diet.

I didn’t go out and just start going to Weight Watchers or pick up that book on the South Beach diet. I didn’t use “eenie meenie, minenie, mo”. I had seen co-workers who started a diet in January and are now 70 pounds lighter. I remember walking past their desks while they were eating their lunches and thinking they were starving themselves and that it was so ridiculous and would never work. But when I came back from RT, that was the diet I wanted to do. I know it works. I have seen the dramatic and amazing results. That’s what I want.

So I made an appointment for my consultation and got started. I officially started the diet last Sunday. I weighed in on Tuesday and had lost 4 pounds already. I weighed in again yesterday and had lost another 4.5 pounds. I weigh 277 pounds now! Just another 107-127 pounds to go and I’ll be happy. I don’t necessarily have a weight as a goal. It’s more of a look, but I know that look is around 170-150. So that’s my goal.

This is the Physician’s Weight Loss diet. I have to say, it’s expensive as all hell. If you really want to know how much, email me or message me privately and I’ll tell you. But for now, it’s enough to just say that the cost of this diet is putting a real strain on my finances. However, I KNOW it works so it’s worth it to me.

What I want is to feel sexy again; to go shopping and actually find clothes in my size; to be comfortable in my own skin; to be visually as interesting and eye-catching as I feel inside; to date and have fun and maybe actually find my Prince Charming (though I know that’s a long-shot); to pursue my chosen profession with vigor; to play soccer with my son and go camping and go to the water park with him and maybe swim competitively a little and to live to be some insanely old age where I get to hold his grand-children and watch the world change. I don’t care if I have to wear diapers. I just want to be there for everything.

Maybe I don’t really know what I want to look like. I know I’ll never be a super-model. But that’s ok because I don’t WANT to be one. Maybe I don’t know what my ideal weight actually is, but I’ll know when I get there. I’ll know, because that’s when my son will hug me, and his arms will actually go all the way around me. When that day comes, I’ll know I’ve arrived at my destination. But I’ve got a long way to go before I get there. It’s going to be one hell of a trip. So I thought maybe I’d take ya’ll with me.

I plan to blog about my diet journey, once a week, with a weigh-in report and a picture. I estimate that I’ll be done within the next 31 weeks. My goal is to let other people see my journey, to maybe inspire others to do the same, or maybe just to give other people the chance to know me better.

So whether your reasons for reading this are just mild curiosity or if you actually have goals of your own and want to know that you’re not the only one striving to reach them, welcome! If you want to talk or have questions, contact me. If you want to share the goals you’re working towards, go ahead. We all have dreams, we should all be striving to make them come true. And sometimes when you’re sitting there thinking about it, it’s scary. But knowing someone else who is putting themselves out there, someone who is also working towards a goal, sometimes it makes it easier to take that first step.

So this week was HARD! The first 4 days were the worst because I was just so hungry. My body is used to eating all the time. I never realized how often I really used to eat. I muched my way through the whole day. Well not anymore. It took me 4 days to get used to not eating constantly. Now, I just have to be aware that when my brain tells me I'm hungry, it's usually wrong. I'm not hungry, I'm bored. BIG difference. Hunger, true hunger, is accompanied by that hollow feeling in your stomach. If that's not there, I'm not hungry. I think this is going to be one of the hardest things for me to fight.

Secondly, with this first week of dieting, I was comsuming the least amount of calories that I will consume in this whole 32 week process. That was hard to deal with for several reasons.

1. I'm used to eating all the time

2. taking in so little food, my brain it telling my body that it can't possibly be full, even when I AM full.

3. I'm tired, cranky and a total space cadet.

This diet is controlled by a doctor-advised staff, so they pay very close attention to you when you tell them things like this. Since I just started the diet, there's no real worry because these things were expected. But...being this tired really is a pain in the ass. The space-cadet part is annoying. I'm not used to being brainless and knowing that I'm acting that way pisses me off. Actually...right now everything pisses me off. I knew that would happen. It's a private demon I will have to overcome. I know what triggers it, I know where it comes from in my head and I know how to deal with it. It will just take time.

When I heard that I had lost a total of 8.5 pounds, I was very proud of myself, as were my family and friends. Everyone is very supportive. But I got that urge to celebrate and had to really work hard to stop myself from going out to get a burger or chinese food to celebrate. It took a lot of reasoning with myself to finally put a stop to that urge. In my head I kept hearing "just one meal off-diet is ok. You can't be expected to eat like this for the rest of your life." That's true to a point. I won't be eating like this for the rest of my life. I dropped to 500 calories per day to shock my system, to make it start using fat for energy. It was a necessary step.

But it's NOT ok to go off-diet to celebrate. It's been ok for the last ten years. I've been fat for the last ten years...trust me, there's a connection. And no I won't eat like this for the rest of my life, but it's absolutely necessary that I do this. The diet won't work if I don't work the diet.

This is only getting harder right now. I expect to be tired and weak for the next 2 weeks or so before my energy level actually starts to improve. I can't stress enough how truly exhausted I am.

I don't want to sugar-coat this journey for anyone. I don't expect this to be a breeze. I expect it to be hell on earth for me. I fully expect to be completely miserable for a while. I weighed 300 pounds not so long ago. My goal is to basically loose HALF OF ME. That's not an easy thing.
For now, I am very proud of myself for getting through the first week.

If you have questions or want more details of the diet itself, please feel free to contact me at luci.calanor@yahoo.com

Kisses, Hugs and Spanx,

Luci